Happy Father's Day, Dad. I Got You A Coffin.

I often times feel bad for dads because Father's Day gets lost in the shuffle of graduation season. Families everywhere participate in graduation ceremonies on or around the same weekend we honor the fathers who probably funded our education. Perhaps it's the American school system's way of saying "Happy Father's Day! We are returning Junior to you. He can now explain quantum physics and make methamphetamines. Thank you for your $80,000."

You walk into Target and the end-cap signage in the greeting card aisle reads "Don't Forget Your Dads and Grads!" (their exclamation mark, not mine). Below that are shelves full of photo frames, albums and party invitations emblazoned with the year "2009!" (again, their exclamation, not mine). You scan further down the display and on the bottom shelf you'll find some snow globes with golf balls floating lifelessly inside. Another great paperweight for dad's office.

And let's not forget about how Father's Day is preceded and overshadowed by Mother's Day, where I often times blow my wad. I remember one year, I made my mom a beautiful collage, complete with poetry and pop up origami flowers. The following month, my dad got a Nike shoebox full of Lego pieces and green army men, a hand made card with some stick figures and a hug. I don't remember what I wrote in the card, but the subtext of that gift might as well have been "Fuck you, dad."

What the hell? Why are dads getting the shaft?

Case in point - I searched the interweb for some Father's Day gift ideas and when I Googled "Father's Day gifts" one of the links suggested this:

Coffin Shelves: Furniture for Life (and Death)


I don't even know what to say as a follow-up comment to an image like that. What is the subtext of that gift? I guess this means dad has a place to display all of his favorite leather-bound books, golf trophies and his Time Life collection of Classic Soft Rock CDs. And on the sad day that he passes away, are we to bury him with all of his favorite treasures? And what does the butterfly and the clock symbolize? Is that Mother Nature and Father Time coming to take my dad away?

I'm feel like I'm going to cry.

If you haven't done so already, I implore you to plan something really nice for your dad this Sunday. As for me, I'm going to improve on my previous years' gifts by making him a useful container out of Legos and then taking him to his favorite Vietnamese restaurant. And if I am feeling particularly generous, I'll let my mom tag along too.